In July 2010, author Rachel Macy Stafford learned she had a disease. She diagnosed it herself and called it: The Disease of Distraction. This consuming disease robbed her of two years of living—the laughing, playing, memory-making parts of life that really matter. But fortunately for her and all the readers of her book and blog, Hands Free Mama, she found a cure and shares it so clearly and simply that it will bring tears to your eyes.
I read Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters!
The twelve chapters of Stafford’s book reflect the step-by-step progression of her journey to a less distracted life. Each chapter has the same format: a quality to develop; the letting-go actions she used to break free from the distraction; stories from her journey that illuminate the steps of transformation; a weekly “Hands Free Intention; a Hands Free Reflection; and Reflection Questions.
She bares her soul as she reveals the cost of her over-committed life and inspires readers to abandon the do-it-all mentality by pinpointing the commitments and activities that really matter. Instead of “Do It All,” it’s “Love All I Do.”
She began her Hands Free Journey to curb the electronic distractions that sabotaged her relationships with her two young daughters and husband. But as she quieted down the external sources of distraction in her life, she discovered that internal distractions were just as damaging as a buzzing phone and an over scheduled agenda. Messages of shame, inadequacy, fear, doubt, and criticism popped into her head like undeletable email messages in her inbox. She confesses that these debilitating comments paralyzed her. They prevented her from enjoying life, taking risks, forming deep relationships, and revealing her true self.
This part of the book resonated the most deeply for me. Speaking for my generation, I don’t think we grandmothers have as much of an addiction to cell phones and technology as our children and grandchildren. We also have the added benefit of wisdom from more years of living, so we realize how precious time is and how important it is to focus all of our attention on our loved ones when we are with them. When I’m with my two granddaughters, I am totally present with them. Grandmothers are also grateful for a second chance to do things better with our grandchildren than we might have done with our children.
But it’s the wisdom that Stafford shares about her struggle to overcome the internal distractions that brought tears to my eyes. One of the most poignant stories in the book was her description of her hardest days when she feels “lost in a sea of worthless, uncertain, ugly, and damaged.” As she focused more precious time on family, she decided to start wearing hats instead of spending time washing and styling her hair.
At about the same time, her younger daughter, Avery was asked by her preschool teacher to create a paper-doll model of herself as a grownup. She drew a woman in a pink outfit wearing a brightly colored bike helmet of some sort. When Stafford picked up her daughter from school, the teacher handed her the lovingly decorated doll and explained: “Avery wants to be a mom, but not just any mom. She wants to be a mom who wears a hat—a mom just like you.”
Stafford explains that what Avery thought of her was the opposite of what her inner critic had been telling her all these years. It suddenly dawned on her that the cruel self-talk she’d allowed on her “some days” caused tunnel vision that went straight to her flaws—imperfections no one else seemed to notice and perhaps existed only in her head. Her inner critic had encouraged unrealistic standards that were often inaccurate, not to mention shallow, measurements of her worth.
With tape in hand, she went straight to her bathroom mirror and taped her child’s paper doll front and center and vowed to start seeing the same woman her daughter sees when she looks at her—the woman she wants to be when she grows up. Stafford freed herself from that dark and lonely place of cruel comparison and harsh judgment.
There is so much wisdom in Hands Free Mama. All generations can benefit from learning to be more mindful and spending precious time in ways that truly matter.
