Learn to Forgive for Good

Last month Dr. Fred Luskin spoke at our GaGa Sisterhood meeting and inspired us to think about who in our lives we need to forgive—even if it’s just ourselves. Luskin’s very readable book, Forgive for Good, helps us understand why we hold onto our grievance stories, why we blame others, and how we can learn to forgive for good.

Many of us have a story to tell about how we were mistreated by someone to whom we were close. When this happens, it’s normal to feel hurt and angry, even for a long time. But hurt and anger are meant to be fleeting emotions, not permanent fixtures. Too many of us never get over the bad things that happened and carry grudges from the past that hinder our lives, harm our health, and shorten our horizons.

Luskin was one of those people. He almost didn’t get over the unexpected abandonment he experienced when his best friend, Sam, became engaged and completely cut him off. Luskin was so devastated and ill-prepared to deal with his loss, he became interested in forgiveness. It took him years to forgive his friend and in the process Forgive for Good was born.

In developing the book, he learned that much of his suffering was unnecessary because forgiveness brings an almost divine peace. So he created some tools for forgiveness. As a result, he and Sam became good friends again and when they get together, it reminds Luskin of the healing power of forgiveness. 

Understanding Forgiveness

Luskin defines forgiveness as the experience of peace and understanding that can be felt in the present moment. You forgive by challenging the rigid rules you have for other people’s behavior and by focusing your attention on the good things in your life as opposed to the bad. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or denying that painful things occurred. It’s the powerful assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past.

One of the central messages in Luskin’s forgiveness training is that only 3 core components underlie the creation of any long-standing hurt and grievance:

  1. Exaggerated taking of personal offense
  2. Blaming the offender for how you feel
  3. Creation of a grievance story

A grievance forms when something happens we didn’t want to happen and we deal with it by thinking about it too much. Focusing too much attention on the hurt makes it stronger and forms a habit that can be difficult to break.

The other problem with the grievance story is taking things too personally. When you believe you’re the center of the universe, your drama becomes the problem. When in fact, nothing that has happened to you is unique and by reminding ourselves of this we can learn to suffer less pain.

The second stage of the grievance process is the “blame game,” which happens when people are hurt in the past yet still feel the pain in the present. Looking for reasons to explain their pain may provide short-term relief because someone else is responsible but over the long run, you’re left feeling helpless and vulnerable.

One other helpful strategy in understanding forgiveness is recognizing that we have expectations about people based on “unenforceable rules.” These are expectations:

  • about how something should turn out
  • how someone should think or behave
  • you believe you can make happen
  • where you don’t have control over whether your rule is enforced

By recognizing your unenforceable rules, you take back some of your power and are able to construct rules that will lead to more peace and greater control over your emotions.

Forgiveness Practices

Luskin wants people to put forgiveness on their response menu. To make that possible, you must:

  • Know what your feelings are about what happened.
  • Be clear about the action that wronged you.
  • Share your experience with at least 1 or 2 trusted people.

Here are some tools for learning to forgive:

  • Change the channel: reprogram your mental remote control to gratitude, beauty, forgiveness, love
  • Breath of thanks: 2 – 3 times during the day, slow down and focus on your breathing
  • Heart focus: 2 – 3 times a week spend 10 minutes focusing on a memory of an experience you had with another person when you had a powerful feeling of love and hold those feelings

I found the book helpful because it demystifies forgiveness and explains the positive effect it has on our health.

Some Kudos GaGa Sisterhood Received Over The Years

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