Every time my granddaughter and I play tic-tac-toe, I’m torn whether to “throw” the game and let her win or declare victory for myself every once in awhile. According to Stephanie Dolgoff, a contributing editor to Parenting magazine, learning how to lose gracefully (being a “good sport”) is one of the five skills every kid needs to be successful in life.

I spotted Dolgoff’s cover story while sitting in my dentist’s waiting room and it got me thinking: maybe I should not let my granddaughter win every time. “Learning how to lose at something, handle it, and then bounce back is critical to being happy,” says this mother of 6-year old twin girls.

Her article made me realize that when my granddaughter and I play games together, I can help her understand that losing is a part of life. So now I say to her: “Sometimes I’m going to win and the only way you can beat me is to practice.”

Here are some other tips for teaching your child how to be a good loser:

Model being a good loser over and over

Children watch how their parents handle upsets and frustrations. How you handle the stresses of your life sends a huge message to your kids. Act upset but philosophical: “Shoot, I  really wanted to win. Oh well, next time, I’ll get you.” Encourage them to get better at the game by casually pointing out strategies they may have missed.

Wean them off of needing to win every time

When you win, say: “I won this time, but you made a great try.” If she gets upset, explain that losing is part of playing—the only person who truly loses is the one who doesn’t make an effort. Toddlers and preschoolers are more prone to throwing tantrums when they lose because they lack words to express the intense frustration they sometimes feel. So a certain amount of sore loser behavior is developmentally appropriate. By kindergarten age, this type of reaction should be changing into a give-and-take way of playing games.

Help the child put emotions into words

If your child loses, talk about some of the other aspects of the game so she realizes she can have fun without winning. Naming emotions helps defuse their power. Teach children the “feeling” words: angry, upset, frustrated, sad. Tell them it is okay to be angry but no one wins all the time.

Ironically, most experts agree that eliminating competition is not healthy. Competition gives a sense of purpose and can help kids learn resilience. Losing is a fact of life, and a child understands that on some level. Letting him win all the time is sending a message that he can’t handle losing.

I felt empathy for my daughter the other day. She had to go to a meeting and my 3-year old granddaughter was having a serious case of separation anxiety. She clung to her mommy with the strength of Crazy Glue. First her happy smile turned to a pout, next came the pleading “don’t go,” and finally, she dissolved into tears. I could barely pry her off her mother’s shoulder and when I did, she screamed even louder. She was absolutely inconsolable. She’d never behaved like this before and neither had her older sister.

My daughter empathized with her saying, “I’ll be home for lunch and you can have fun with Baba while I’m gone.” But she just cried harder. I suggested we go out to the swing or play hide and seek or blow bubbles—all her favorites. She wanted none of it—just her mama. Finally, my daughter had to leave and for the first time in my seven-year “grandma career,” I had to restrain my granddaughter to keep her from running out the door after my daughter.

I felt completely helpless and surprised, too. My heart broke for Amelia and at the same time I was puzzled by her new behavior. She and I are best buds but at this particular moment, I wasn’t a good enough substitute. I comforted her and told her I knew how much she missed her mama and she’d be back soon.

Then I grabbed her “nakey” plastic baby and asked the doll: “Would you like to take a bath?” Baby answered yes, so I asked Amelia if she’d like to help me give baby a bath. She sniffled and shook her head but then followed me into the bathroom while I filled the basin with lots of sudsy bubbles.

“I wanna do it,” she said and took baby out of my hands and put her into the basin. Within moments the tears were gone and we spent the next hour happily engaged in water play, making a complete mess of the bathroom. I figured my daughter would forgive us since it solved the problem.

When my daughter returned a few hours later, she was relieved to hear that the meltdown lasted less than five minutes. Amelia smiled proudly when I told her what a big girl she was for making herself feel better, even though she missed her mommy so much. It was a profound experience for me to be able to soothe my granddaughter’s episode of separation anxiety.

Resources on Separation Anxiety

When I got home, I researched the subject and discovered a wonderful website, Helpguide, with information about separation anxiety and many other health and family issues. Here’s some of what they have to say:

A little separation anxiety is part of a child’s normal development. It can occur from as early as five months and resurface out of the blue until a child is four years old. This kind of behavior can actually be a positive sign because it shows that the child recognizes and has formed important attachments with loved ones.

Helpguide suggests the following steps for easing normal separation anxiety:

• Practice separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first.
• Schedule separations after naps or feedings. Babies are more susceptible to separation anxiety when they’re tired or hungry.
• Develop a “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss.
• Keep familiar surroundings when possible and make new surroundings familiar. Have the sitter come to your house. When your child is away from home, let him or her bring a familiar object.
• Have a consistent primary caregiver. If you hire a caregiver, try to keep him or her on the job.
• Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go—don’t stall.
• Minimize scary television. Your child is less likely to be fearful if the shows you watch are not frightening.
• Try not to give in. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine—setting limits will help the adjustment to separation.

According to Helpguide, kids with anxious parents may be more prone to separation anxiety. In order to help your child overcome separation anxiety disorder, you may need to take measures to become calmer and more centered yourself. They suggest trying some of the following strategies to keep your stress in check:

• Talk about your feelings. Expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation.
• Exercise regularly. Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress.
• Eat right. A well-nourished body is better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat.
• Practice relaxation. You can control your stress levels with relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing, or meditation.
• Get enough sleep. Feeling tired will only increase your stress, causing you to think irrationally or foggily.
• Keep your sense of humor. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

See also: 9 Parent-Tested Ways to Ease Separation Anxiety

Most Mother’s Day reminders focus on telling our mothers how much they mean to us. But I think the ones who need it even more are our daughters and daughters-in-law, the mothers of our grandchildren. Words of praise from our mothers are important no matter how old we are. Let’s face it—we all love being appreciated and respected for the job we do. And we know that moms of young children, aren’t going to get it from their kids.

In his book, Focus on the Good Stuff: The Power of Appreciation, Mike Robbins says that acknowledging others is one of the best things we can do to have a positive impact on the people around us. Mother Teresa said “there is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

Acknowledgment is an art and a skill that anyone can learn and ultimately master, but many of us have neither taken the time nor had the interest in becoming master appreciators. Robbins lists a number of different reasons why acknowledging others can be difficult:

• We don’t want people to think we’re “kissing up” to them
• We come from a family that doesn’t openly acknowledge people
• We think people are just doing what they’re supposed to be doing, so why should we acknowledge them for that?

This Mother’s Day write or tell your daughter or daughter-in-law what a wonderful job she’s doing raising your grandchildren. Express your gratitude, thanks, and appreciation to her in a genuine way and be specific. If she’s doing a great job of feeding the kids healthy food, tell her how grateful you are that she cares about what her kids eat. If she does creative projects, compliment her on the adorable drawings your grandchildren send you. If she’s really great at comforting the baby when she cries, tell how much you admire her patience and nurturing. Focus on one of her strengths and let her know why you admire that about her.

Sometimes we get so self-absorbed we forget to notice what other people are doing and the impact they have on us. When we look for the good stuff and expect it in others, we’ll find it. Watch your daughter”s face light up when you catch her off-guard and acknowledge her for no apparent reason. You’ll touch her heart and have a profound impact on her.

To read more inspiration for Mother’s Day, visit the All About Parenting Blog Carnival.