In my last post I wrote about helping my three-year old granddaughter get over her separation anxiety when her mother went off to an appointment. The experience motivated me to learn more about separation anxiety. In my research I discovered The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, a sweet book that can help children deal with their separation anxiety.

I read it to my granddaughter and she loved it. What I found so appealing about the story is the ritual between the mother and child that helps ease his separation. Chester raccoon is reluctant to go to kindergarten for the first time. His mother teaches him a secret way to carry her love with him. She places a kiss in the palm of his hand and says, “Now whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your hand to your cheek and think, ‘Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you.’ And that very kiss will jump to your face and fill you with toasty warm thoughts.”

Penn wrote The Kissing Hand in 1993 and it continues to be a classic resource for parents and teachers to prepare young children for new experiences. She uses reassuring phrases such as “sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to do, even if they seem strange and scary at first.”

On her imaginative website Penn explains that the inspiration for the book came when she actually saw a mother raccoon kiss the palm of her cub and then the cub put the kiss on his face. When Penn’s daughter was afraid to go to kindergarten, they tried the mommy raccoon’s kiss in the hand and it worked.

This book is recommended for ages 3 to 8 and would make a wonderful baby gift for new mothers or grandmothers.

When my children were little, my mother-in-law always greeted them by saying “hey-yo” in this cute little baby voice. As they grew up, she continued her signature greeting despite their protests that they “weren’t babies any more.” At the time I didn’t understand why my mother-in-law hung onto her baby voice whenever she said hello. But now that I’m a grandma myself, I get it. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the rituals we enjoyed when our grandchildren were little; we want to hold on to those precious connections, as if that will help stop time.

Last fall I suddenly felt much more empathy for my mother-in-law. My older granddaughter had just started first grade and I felt like I hardly ever talked to her any more. We had a storytelling ritual that began when she was three years old. At that time, my daughter was pregnant with her second child and needed a respite in the afternoon. I would call my granddaughter and tell her a story while she listened on the phone. We both got hooked on these stories and by age four she was able to dial my phone number by herself. “I’m calling for a storah,” she’d say.

Sometimes she called three times a week, and I’d drop whatever I was doing to make up a new story for her. I wove details from her life into make-believe stories and we’d often speak for half an hour on the phone. I cherished our calls, even when I wondered where in the world I would find inspiration for a completely new one. I’d start with no idea where my story was going, and magically, a thread would start to unfold. At the end of the story I’d get my reward when she’d say, “That was a good storah, Baba!”

I knew that our ritual wouldn’t continue forever, and I treasured the opportunity even when I didn’t have the energy. I discovered that something always clicked and I actually got energized from using my creativity. I realized our bond was a special gift to me because the stories kept my creative juices flowing.

When she started kindergarten, the requests for storahs began to dwindle. She still called once a week and we developed some new characters. Her favorite and most often-requested stories were two best friends who lived next door to each other and had a Pet Rescue Service. She wanted more magic in the stories and some scary adventures for the first time.

As she got busy with play dates and ballet classes, our phone time stopped. I missed our ritual and realized that it had reached a natural end. I also knew that my storytelling had laid an important foundation for sharing real life stories in the future. I’m certain we’ll create new and different rituals to share together.

Now I’m excited to watch her creativity go in a new direction— she and her Zayde (grandpa) share an art ritual. My husband sits in the big green armchair in the living room with Juliet perched on the arm and they draw together. They play “Guess the Sketch,” where he draws the first few lines of an object and she tries to guess what he’s drawing and adds some of her own lines. I’m so happy for both of them.

I’m hoping that her younger sister will soon enjoy listening to stories (she always wants what her older sister has) and we can begin all over again.

This year, as you plan your holiday celebrations, pay close attention to your feelings and those gremlins in your head. Are you looking forward to the holidays or are you filled with a sense of burden and dread? If you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to do it all and your traditions aren’t fun or meaningful, then you may need to take stock and prioritize your holiday celebrations.[quote]

During the holidays, expectations—especially our own—can run high. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to do—or outdo—the things we’ve always done. But this year, with everyone being more cautious about spending, it’s the perfect time to make some changes. This year, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your holiday plans and scale back—everyone else is. By modifying your goals you can be more realistic about what’s feasible during the holiday season.

In our culture, women are often expected to be the ritual makers. With that expectation comes a long list of responsibilities: shopping, cooking, planning, inviting, buying gifts, sending cards, decorating, and of course, making sure everyone is having a good time. Assuming all those responsibilities by yourself, can be overwhelming.

Delegate, Delegate, Delegate!

Instead of taking it all on yourself, ask for help and delegate tasks among all the family members. Involve your family in every aspect of holiday preparation. They will appreciate you more. Pare down that long list of holiday activities and focus on the ones that bring you the most satisfaction. Think quality not quantity.

For most of my married life I’ve had the role of our family ritual maker. I’ve hosted Thanksgiving for more than thirty years and did everything myself, including making individual braided dinner rolls. I gave up on the rolls over a decade ago and last year I jumped at my cousin’s invitation to attend their Thanksgiving dinner. Two-dozen guests crowded around her table last year and every family brought something for the dinner. This year we pared down our Thanksgiving celebration to our own family. Just seven of us gathered, but there were four generations present and we shared all the responsibilities.

Take a look at your traditions. What do the holidays mean to you? Ask your family what they see as important during this time of year. If you sense that your holiday traditions aren’t working, maybe it’s time to make some changes here, as well.

Create New, Meaningful Holiday Rituals

Yes, we all have vivid memories of our favorite rituals, but some that made sense when your children were younger might not be appropriate any more. They may be too costly or take too much time. Whatever the reasons for your traditions outliving their purpose, you can create new, meaningful rituals that your family will cherish. In order for traditions to stay alive and meaningful to you and future generations, they need to be flexible as families and relationships change and grow.

A friend recently reflected on her family’s Christmas ritual and how it has changed over time. When her children were little, the family went for a drive to see if they could catch Santa as he came to their house. As her children’s belief in Santa disappeared, they still insisted on the car ride on Christmas Eve. Even after her children left home and couldn’t get together for the holiday, they took their own car rides and called each other to reminisce. In this way they were able to adapt their ritual to the changing beliefs and emotional needs of each family member and still stay connected.

Here are some suggestions from family therapist Carleton Kendrick for creating new holiday traditions:

• What did you most like and dislike about your childhood holiday celebrations? Use your most cherished childhood memories as resources for fashioning new traditions.
• Get input from all family members. Ask everyone—your kids, older relatives, and extended family members—about their favorite family celebrations and new suggestions.
• Research and discover different ethnic holiday traditions from your own heritage or others. Celebrating your cultural traditions gives children a sense of their ancestry.
• Be inclusive and try to arrive at a consensus. Respect all family members’ desires and conflicts regarding old traditions before embracing new ones. Be sure that everyone is dedicated and eager to make these new traditions a part of your holiday celebrations.
• Make a plan together. Discuss the details of your “new tradition,” decide which family members will take on each task, and make a calendar of important to-do dates.

During this time of year, people are so concerned about what others might say or think of them if they don’t do everything perfectly. Focusing on the positives and keeping a sense of humor is one of the secrets to surviving this sometimes-challenging season. One young mom said she posts this holiday reminder on her refrigerator door: You can’t please everybody all the time, and if you are, you’re probably doing something wrong!