Good riddance 2009!

I am so glad this year is over—especially this last week. I have not been out of the house for the past seven days. I’ve been trying to get over a cold and cough but everyday brings a new symptom. It began with laryngitis and now it’s settled in my head. I’ve just decided to surrender to it and give my body a rest.

Fortunately, I didn’t have any plans, so I could just stay home and “veg” in front of the television, something I rarely do. I’ve even watched some Bowl games with my husband for the first time in our 41 years together! I guess I’m mellowing in my old age because normally I’d be working on my goals for 2010. That’s been one of my rituals for the last week of the year. But I figure I’ll get to those goals when I’m feeling healthy and energetic again.

I’ve never liked this last week of the year. It’s always felt kind of isolating. Everything seems to slow down as we all wait for the holidays to pass and things to get “back to normal.”

Spending the past seven days in “slo-mo” has made me realize something: I’m very blessed to be able to be in my warm, comfortable home, drinking hot tea and reading a good book (Water for Elephants) as I try to recover. I haven’t had to worry about missing a week of work.  I’ve also discovered that it’s okay to forget about my “to do” list and just take the time to let my body get healthy again.

In some ways it seems fitting to end this dismal year without a lot of celebration and hoopla. My husband and I will continue our  New Year’s Eve tradition of cooking dinner together and then reviewing the past year. But we’ll both feel relieved when 2009 is finally over and hopeful that 2010 will bring relief to the many people who’ve suffered losses this past year.

Happy 2010! May your hopes be fulfilled and your dreams become realities. And let’s pray this decade keeps getting better with every year!

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Where will you and your family spend the holidays this year? Who will be there and who decides the answers to these questions?

As you begin thinking about these questions, many decisions must be considered. According to therapists and authors Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts in their book Rituals for Our Times, the key to a successful holiday celebration is in the planning. They suggest you approach these decisions with an open mind and willingness to compromise. Holiday planning falls into three categories: people, place and participation.

Consider the Needs of Each Generation

Since people are at the center of holiday celebrations, it’s important to have representation from all participating families involved in the holiday. Set aside some time to talk or email everyone and consider some of these questions. Who is important to invite and why? How will people be invited and by whom? Will anyone be alone if you don’t go to their home? Are the needs of all generations considered in the planning?

Here are some solutions from different generations. Rita, a grandmother living with her daughter and her family says she reminds them about the importance of older relatives and that the time to include them is now. Selection of which parents, grandparents and great-grandparents to visit is prioritized by length of time since a visit, with the oldest family members receiving preference. Jan, also a grandmother, says that even though she and her husband would love to spend the holidays with their children and grandchildren, “our first priority is sharing the holidays with our own aging parents since they can’t travel any more.”

Select an Appropriate Location

How is the location chosen? Is it a place people can get to easily? Is it a place that is comfortable for all ages? Will some people have to travel and can that be rotated from year to year among all participants?

Wendie’s large, three-generation family fits best at her father’s house, which can accommodate their group of 35. “His house is warm and cozy; his fireplace is going; the tree is done just so and his house lends itself to a more formal event.” The only obstacle they’ve found is seating everyone and trying to serve them while the food is warm. “We opt for buffet style, serving kids first, getting them settled so then the grownups can sit back and relax. Everyone brings two dishes and the host never cleans up!”

When Kamala and her husband celebrate Thanksgiving with their two young children and two sets of grandparents, they don’t eat for several days before the holiday. That’s because the solution they’ve found is to attend dinner with one set of grandparents at 2 pm and then join the second set at 6 pm.

She says this solution has worked fairly well since they’ve had children but “we keep our therapist’s phone number on hand and call him for advice as issues arise—and they always do! We stay in a hotel instead of “choosing” a parent or sibling’s house. Then we aren’t playing favorites, but most importantly we have a space to call our own, to reconnect after busy days visiting family and friends. We love to have this special time and a quiet place for our children to sleep and wind down during this hectic and over-stimulating time. It has really been worth the extra cost to alleviate any familial upset!”

Get Everyone Involved

Preparation, decorations, activities, cooking and clean up all need to be discussed and delegated in the planning stages. Different levels of participation allow people to make choices and do what is meaningful and comfortable for them. When people contribute something, they usually feel more involved.

Joan’s large family is spread out on both coasts so they came up with a gift exchange solution that made it easier on everyone. When they get together for their annual Fourth of July celebration, they put all the names of the family members into a hat. Each person selects one name and gives just that person a Christmas present. At the holiday dinner the people who travel the farthest help with clean up, the hosts do the decorations and the rest of the family brings potluck dishes.

Jan confesses that the hardest years for her were hosting house guests and dinner on Christmas day. “I always wanted a Martha Stewart day and it always ended up more like an ‘I Love Lucy’ episode! It took me several years to realize that everyone’s favorite part was spending time in a loud, wild house full of people who love one another!”

This year, as you plan your holiday celebrations, pay close attention to your feelings and those gremlins in your head. Are you looking forward to the holidays or are you filled with a sense of burden and dread? If you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to do it all and your traditions aren’t fun or meaningful, then you may need to take stock and prioritize your holiday celebrations.[quote]

During the holidays, expectations—especially our own—can run high. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to do—or outdo—the things we’ve always done. But this year, with everyone being more cautious about spending, it’s the perfect time to make some changes. This year, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your holiday plans and scale back—everyone else is. By modifying your goals you can be more realistic about what’s feasible during the holiday season.

In our culture, women are often expected to be the ritual makers. With that expectation comes a long list of responsibilities: shopping, cooking, planning, inviting, buying gifts, sending cards, decorating, and of course, making sure everyone is having a good time. Assuming all those responsibilities by yourself, can be overwhelming.

Delegate, Delegate, Delegate!

Instead of taking it all on yourself, ask for help and delegate tasks among all the family members. Involve your family in every aspect of holiday preparation. They will appreciate you more. Pare down that long list of holiday activities and focus on the ones that bring you the most satisfaction. Think quality not quantity.

For most of my married life I’ve had the role of our family ritual maker. I’ve hosted Thanksgiving for more than thirty years and did everything myself, including making individual braided dinner rolls. I gave up on the rolls over a decade ago and last year I jumped at my cousin’s invitation to attend their Thanksgiving dinner. Two-dozen guests crowded around her table last year and every family brought something for the dinner. This year we pared down our Thanksgiving celebration to our own family. Just seven of us gathered, but there were four generations present and we shared all the responsibilities.

Take a look at your traditions. What do the holidays mean to you? Ask your family what they see as important during this time of year. If you sense that your holiday traditions aren’t working, maybe it’s time to make some changes here, as well.

Create New, Meaningful Holiday Rituals

Yes, we all have vivid memories of our favorite rituals, but some that made sense when your children were younger might not be appropriate any more. They may be too costly or take too much time. Whatever the reasons for your traditions outliving their purpose, you can create new, meaningful rituals that your family will cherish. In order for traditions to stay alive and meaningful to you and future generations, they need to be flexible as families and relationships change and grow.

A friend recently reflected on her family’s Christmas ritual and how it has changed over time. When her children were little, the family went for a drive to see if they could catch Santa as he came to their house. As her children’s belief in Santa disappeared, they still insisted on the car ride on Christmas Eve. Even after her children left home and couldn’t get together for the holiday, they took their own car rides and called each other to reminisce. In this way they were able to adapt their ritual to the changing beliefs and emotional needs of each family member and still stay connected.

Here are some suggestions from family therapist Carleton Kendrick for creating new holiday traditions:

• What did you most like and dislike about your childhood holiday celebrations? Use your most cherished childhood memories as resources for fashioning new traditions.
• Get input from all family members. Ask everyone—your kids, older relatives, and extended family members—about their favorite family celebrations and new suggestions.
• Research and discover different ethnic holiday traditions from your own heritage or others. Celebrating your cultural traditions gives children a sense of their ancestry.
• Be inclusive and try to arrive at a consensus. Respect all family members’ desires and conflicts regarding old traditions before embracing new ones. Be sure that everyone is dedicated and eager to make these new traditions a part of your holiday celebrations.
• Make a plan together. Discuss the details of your “new tradition,” decide which family members will take on each task, and make a calendar of important to-do dates.

During this time of year, people are so concerned about what others might say or think of them if they don’t do everything perfectly. Focusing on the positives and keeping a sense of humor is one of the secrets to surviving this sometimes-challenging season. One young mom said she posts this holiday reminder on her refrigerator door: You can’t please everybody all the time, and if you are, you’re probably doing something wrong!