In the past two weeks I’ve received two requests from young mothers looking for surrogate grandparents to “adopt” their family. I called one of them to find out more. Kim has a brand new baby boy and 18-month old girl. Both her parents and her husband’s parents have passed away. In her email she mentioned doing activities like going to the park and museums with “grandparents,” but in our phone call she said she really wished she had someone with “grandmotherly wisdom.”

Kim also told me about a national organization she recently discovered called Parentless Parents that developed as an offshoot of Allison Gilbert’s book, Always Too Soon: Voices of Support for Those Who Have Lost Both Parents. The organization is a growing community of parents who have experienced the loss of their own mothers and fathers. Informal support groups are forming around the country to discuss the challenges of raising children without the benefit and support of their own parents.

Since I’ve personally never faced this issue, I haven’t given much thought to how painful it must be for young parents. My heart went out to Kim and her family, but I wasn’t sure what support I could offer. All the grandmas in the GaGa Sisterhood community are already so busy I wondered whether they’d have time to take on such a commitment.

After some cursory research on the internet, I wasn’t able to find an organization that matches families with surrogate grandparents. The few that I explored only matched at-risk children or those with disabilities. But I did come across the following ad by Cricket Kadoch, a young mom in Bend, OR.

Wanted: Thoughtful, caring surrogate grandparents for our two energetic, inquisitive young sons. Zest for life, openness, and willingness to share your wisdom, love, and time preferred. No previous grandparent experience necessary. Reading together, park dates, and popsicle sharing a must. Laughing, adoration and youthful joy offered in return.

In my phone call with Kim, she said she had also considered a personal ad but had some concerns about privacy issues, as well as the time necessary to screen potential applicants. So I’m putting out a request to readers of this blog:

• Do you know of an organization that matches families with surrogate grandparents?
• Would you be interested in being a surrogate grandparent?
• Are you a parent looking for a surrogate grandparent?

If you have any ideas or resources on this subject, please leave a comment.

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9 Comments »

1. Maybe try speaking with a nearby retirement community or nursing home.

   Comment by Nicole — January 29, 2010 @ 4:46 pm

2. I started a group on Grandparents.com called “Find Substitute Grandparents 4 Your Kids.” Many families have young children whose grandparents are deceased, distant, or otherwise unavailable. At the same time, there are many responsible, caring, older adults who would love to be surrogate grandparents. This group is dedicated to repairing fractured families by creating ‘families of the heart.’ My goal is to provide a forum whereby responsible local families can be matched in a safe manner.

   I am retired schoolteacher in the Portland, Oregon area who is interested in becoming a surrogate grandmother.

   In my group, I have familes requesting gradparents in the following cities:

   Bridgewater, New Jersey
   Tucson, Arizona
   Wichita, Kansas

   Comment by Monica — January 16, 2010 @ 10:20 am

3. Please join this discussion topic on our FaceBook page…and become a Fan.

   Comment by Donne — January 14, 2010 @ 8:53 am

4. My husband and I are childless and in our mid fifties. We would have loved to have children of our own, but it was not meant to be. We would love to be surrogate grandparents to a family without. I grew up without grandparents, so I know how it feels. My husband lived with his mother and grandparents, so he had the wonderful experience of having them in his life. They even stood up with us at our wedding, which was so special to me, never having grandparents of my own. I’ve worked with children as a teacher and librarian and my husband taught school for 7 years. We live in the mid-east and would be honored to have “adopted” grandchildren to share life, learning and laughter. I don’t know how to make this connection though. Any ideas? Thank you.

   Comment by Elaine Hollowell — January 13, 2010 @ 6:25 pm

5. I am sort of in a situation where I can both use a surrogate grandparent to help me out and at the same time be a surrogate grandparent to someone else’s child. My father passed away when I was a young child and although my mother is remarried, she lives 3 hours away and isn’t available to my my 2 children, ages 17 and 6. My 17 year-old-son is autistic and although high functioning, it is doubtful that he will ever live independently and have a family of his own. At age 44, I am about twice the age of my 1^st grader’s friend’s parents and many of my high school classmates are now grandparents and for quite some time.

   My husband’s parents are divorced and both live 3 hours away and can’t be of any real help to us in an emergency situation. They never attend birthday parties and I feel that with the exception of the the short visits around the holidays to see my mother, my son’s are really missing out on having a grandmother.

   On the flip side of this coin having 2 sons and 1 stepson, I have always felt that there is a special little girl somewhere out there that the Lord has planned for me to in some way touch her life in a special way. Maybe she has a single parent that can’t afford to pay daycare or works odd shifts and I could help out in that regard. She could in some ways become part of our family (she and her parent), and we could spoil her like grandparents are supposed to do!

   I live in the Pollock. LA area near the Rapides Parish border if there is someone who could help me out as a grandparent figure for my boys, maybe just watching them occasionally so my husband and I could go out for a date alone. Or if you have a little girl and live here in the Pollock or Ball school district and need help with free or low-cost daycare (even if your child is a preschooler or infant — the younger the better) My husband and I love kids and have adopted 2 of ours so we’ve been through the police and background checks that are required and can provide references. We’d love to help you out with childcare days, nights, or weekends. We’d take your child to church with us and would love both of you as part of our family. Please contact with a comment here. Joni

   Comment by Joni McGrew — January 1, 2010 @ 4:41 am

6. What a great idea this is! I just went to the Parentless Parent site and left a message (actually posted on their Facebook page) saying I would love to be a surrogate grandparent for someone nearby (San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles area). I was blessed to have five grandparents, all of whom lived into their late 80s or 90s (one was 102), and I was also fortunate to have my parents for many, many years — Mom still here at almost 90. My grandchildren (3 yr old twins who call me GaGa) are a few hours away, so I don’t see them as often as I would like. I grew up in a family of baby and child lovers, and I think it would be wonderful to spend time with someone else’s children. It would be fabulous for a Surrogate Grandparent site to pop up sometime …

   Comment by Jaelline Jaffe PhD — December 20, 2009 @ 12:40 am

7. I am a 55-year-old African-American man. I missed the joys and challenges of parenthood, which is one of my few regrets. But it’s certainly not too late for me to develop a close and rewarding relationship with a child or children. Several of my colleagues have become grandparents in the last two years, and I envy the way their eyes light up whenever they mention their grandchildren. I’m a former Big Brother, and in my professional life I work in public education reform. I can and have passed background checks, and I have plenty of personal references. I practiced law for 17 years, four of them as a prosecutor. I had the pleasure of being a surrogate father to the children of a former girlfriend, but our relationship ended after ten years, and the children are now young adults. I love children and they like me. I’m interested in becoming a surrogate grandfather to one or two young African-American children. I live in the Washington, DC area. I haven’t found a venue for this kind of thing online, but I’m hoping that I’ll find someone by word of mouth who’s interested, and I welcome any suggestions.

   Comment by Leo — December 10, 2009 @ 4:27 am

8. I think that this is a valuable discussion. If grandparents are to be celebrated, what does one do when they do not have grandparents. When was pregnant, I had so many people tell me that their grandson or granddaughter was coming. I would say being a grandparent is the most important job in the world.

   If there is not such an organization, someone should start it.

   Comment by Kimberly — November 11, 2009 @ 6:53 pm

9. Actually, I went online searching for a site that matches surrogate grandparents with seeking parents. Its not on the Web, at least not in my search.

   What is out there are young parents who hunger for grandparents for their children, and senior parents who do not have grandchildren, or whose grandchildren live so far away, meaningful relationships are not possible. Kadoch’s ad is but one of many reflecting the search for an irreplaceable presence in the lives of children without grandparents close by.

   While the process has its challenges, there must be some safe and effective way to bring together children and seniors who can benefit from close contact.

   Thank you for your insightful article.

   Comment by Eileen — November 11, 2009 @ 6:33 pm

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