In the past two weeks I’ve received two requests from young mothers looking for surrogate grandparents to “adopt” their family. I called one of them to find out more. Kim has a brand new baby boy and 18-month old girl. Both her parents and her husband’s parents have passed away. In her email she mentioned doing activities like going to the park and museums with “grandparents,” but in our phone call she said she really wished she had someone with “grandmotherly wisdom.”
Kim also told me about a national organization she recently discovered called Parentless Parents that developed as an offshoot of Allison Gilbert’s book, Always Too Soon: Voices of Support for Those Who Have Lost Both Parents. The organization is a growing community of parents who have experienced the loss of their own mothers and fathers. Informal support groups are forming around the country to discuss the challenges of raising children without the benefit and support of their own parents.
Since I’ve personally never faced this issue, I haven’t given much thought to how painful it must be for young parents. My heart went out to Kim and her family, but I wasn’t sure what support I could offer. All the grandmas in the GaGa Sisterhood community are already so busy I wondered whether they’d have time to take on such a commitment.
After some cursory research on the internet, I wasn’t able to find an organization that matches families with surrogate grandparents. The few that I explored only matched at-risk children or those with disabilities. But I did come across the following ad by Cricket Kadoch, a young mom in Bend, OR.
Wanted: Thoughtful, caring surrogate grandparents for our two energetic, inquisitive young sons. Zest for life, openness, and willingness to share your wisdom, love, and time preferred. No previous grandparent experience necessary. Reading together, park dates, and popsicle sharing a must. Laughing, adoration and youthful joy offered in return.
In my phone call with Kim, she said she had also considered a personal ad but had some concerns about privacy issues, as well as the time necessary to screen potential applicants. So I’m putting out a request to readers of this blog:
- Do you know of an organization that matches families with surrogate grandparents?
- Would you be interested in being a surrogate grandparent?
- Are you a parent looking for a surrogate grandparent?
If you have any ideas or resources on this subject, please leave a comment.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Actually, I went online searching for a site that matches surrogate grandparents with seeking parents. Its not on the Web, at least not in my search.
What is out there are young parents who hunger for grandparents for their children, and senior parents who do not have grandchildren, or whose grandchildren live so far away, meaningful relationships are not possible. Kadoch’s ad is but one of many reflecting the search for an irreplaceable presence in the lives of children without grandparents close by.
While the process has its challenges, there must be some safe and effective way to bring together children and seniors who can benefit from close contact.
Thank you for your insightful article.
I think that this is a valuable discussion. If grandparents are to be celebrated, what does one do when they do not have grandparents. When was pregnant, I had so many people tell me that their grandson or granddaughter was coming. I would say being a grandparent is the most important job in the world.
If there is not such an organization, someone should start it.
I am a 55-year-old African-American man. I missed the joys and challenges of parenthood, which is one of my few regrets. But it’s certainly not too late for me to develop a close and rewarding relationship with a child or children. Several of my colleagues have become grandparents in the last two years, and I envy the way their eyes light up whenever they mention their grandchildren. I’m a former Big Brother, and in my professional life I work in public education reform. I can and have passed background checks, and I have plenty of personal references. I practiced law for 17 years, four of them as a prosecutor. I had the pleasure of being a surrogate father to the children of a former girlfriend, but our relationship ended after ten years, and the children are now young adults. I love children and they like me. I’m interested in becoming a surrogate grandfather to one or two young African-American children. I live in the Washington, DC area. I haven’t found a venue for this kind of thing online, but I’m hoping that I’ll find someone by word of mouth who’s interested, and I welcome any suggestions.
What a great idea this is! I just went to the Parentless Parent site and left a message (actually posted on their Facebook page) saying I would love to be a surrogate grandparent for someone nearby (San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles area). I was blessed to have five grandparents, all of whom lived into their late 80s or 90s (one was 102), and I was also fortunate to have my parents for many, many years – Mom still here at almost 90. My grandchildren (3 yr old twins who call me GaGa) are a few hours away, so I don’t see them as often as I would like. I grew up in a family of baby and child lovers, and I think it would be wonderful to spend time with someone else’s children. It would be fabulous for a Surrogate Grandparent site to pop up sometime …
I am sort of in a situation where I can both use a surrogate grandparent to help me out and at the same time be a surrogate grandparent to someone else’s child. My father passed away when I was a young child and although my mother is remarried, she lives 3 hours away and isn’t available to my my 2 children, ages 17 and 6. My 17 year-old-son is autistic and although high functioning, it is doubtful that he will ever live independently and have a family of his own. At age 44, I am about twice the age of my 1st grader’s friend’s parents and many of my high school classmates are now grandparents and for quite some time.
My husband’s parents are divorced and both live 3 hours away and can’t be of any real help to us in an emergency situation. They never attend birthday parties and I feel that with the exception of the the short visits around the holidays to see my mother, my son’s are really missing out on having a grandmother.
On the flip side of this coin having 2 sons and 1 stepson, I have always felt that there is a special little girl somewhere out there that the Lord has planned for me to in some way touch her life in a special way. Maybe she has a single parent that can’t afford to pay daycare or works odd shifts and I could help out in that regard. She could in some ways become part of our family (she and her parent), and we could spoil her like grandparents are supposed to do!
I live in the Pollock. LA area near the Rapides Parish border if there is someone who could help me out as a grandparent figure for my boys, maybe just watching them occasionally so my husband and I could go out for a date alone. Or if you have a little girl and live here in the Pollock or Ball school district and need help with free or low-cost daycare (even if your child is a preschooler or infant – the younger the better) My husband and I love kids and have adopted 2 of ours so we’ve been through the police and background checks that are required and can provide references. We’d love to help you out with childcare days, nights, or weekends. We’d take your child to church with us and would love both of you as part of our family. Please contact with a comment here. Joni
My husband and I are childless and in our mid fifties. We would have loved to have children of our own, but it was not meant to be. We would love to be surrogate grandparents to a family without. I grew up without grandparents, so I know how it feels. My husband lived with his mother and grandparents, so he had the wonderful experience of having them in his life. They even stood up with us at our wedding, which was so special to me, never having grandparents of my own. I’ve worked with children as a teacher and librarian and my husband taught school for 7 years. We live in the mid-east and would be honored to have “adopted” grandchildren to share life, learning and laughter. I don’t know how to make this connection though. Any ideas? Thank you.
I started a group on Grandparents.com called “Find Substitute Grandparents 4 Your Kids.” Many families have young children whose grandparents are deceased, distant, or otherwise unavailable. At the same time, there are many responsible, caring, older adults who would love to be surrogate grandparents. This group is dedicated to repairing fractured families by creating ‘families of the heart.’ My goal is to provide a forum whereby responsible local families can be matched in a safe manner.
I am retired schoolteacher in the Portland, Oregon area who is interested in becoming a surrogate grandmother.
In my group, I have familes requesting gradparents in the following cities:
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Tucson, Arizona
Wichita, Kansas
Hello! I would love to be a surrogate grandmother! I am 52 and live in MN…please contact me for much more info!!
Thank you for writing, Jenny. Please take a look at my post: Surrogate Grandparent Website Launches and you’ll find a link to SurrogateGrandparenting.com—a free service that matches “families with children of all ages whose grandparents are deceased, distant or otherwise unavailable due to incarceration, drug abuse, estrangement, etc. with responsible, healthy, independent, caring, older adults who would love to be a surrogate grandparent.”
Good luck with your search. Let me know how it goes.
Maybe try speaking with a nearby retirement community or nursing home.
My husband and I are in our mid 40′s to mid 50′s. We have 5 daughters however 3 are in their 20′s and all doing great but living out of state, and we have our 5 and 11 year old we are still raising. Since June ’09 my husband was laid off from his job of 34 years, in August our oldest daughter gave us a beautiful granddaughter with Downs Syndrome and severe cardiac problems commonly known to the condition we finally get to bring the baby home 11 weeks after she was born, a week later our beautiful 5 year old was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes after contracting H1N1. During all this both of my husbands parents passed away within weeks of each other in a nursing home. Both had been hospitalized since our 2 little ones were born, one with advanced Alzheimers. When they think of their grandparents, they remember hospital beds and having to remind them they were their grandchildren. My In-laws were wonderful people but the girls never got to know who they really were. My Dad passed away 10 years ago, he had raised his children single. My mother is still living but lives 11 hours away and my children have only seen her a few times. She rarely connects with her own children much less my girls. Not complaining, Dad seems to have made up for the loss of our mother by raising 3 great children!! I’ll always wish he were here for my girls. My husband would like to go back to work but I am still employed and no daycare will accept my child because they lack Type 1 Diabetes education and employees to inject my child with insulin. They can’t say it (American Disability Act) but they never call back and accept her. My daughter spends all day at home with my husband with little or no social life. We have had to give up our second car for economic reasons and I do what I can to involve the girls in as much after work hours activities. We know all these challenges happen as some point in everyones life, but I don’t wish on any family for these things to happen all within 4 months.
It’s 1:00 a.m. and like many nights, I am awake when I should be sleeping so I can function at work tomorrow. Instead, I long for my Dad as I am sure my husband has done the same. We could use some encouraging words by folks who might enjoy hearing our 11 year old sing a new song she heard on the radio or my 5 year old checking her own sugar level and tell so proudly how she stuck her own finger to draw blood, 5 times today. Or maybe someone who can say “I felt like that too but hang in there, happier days will come”. Anyone have any suggestions about a group or persons living near Western North Carolina who could use some real life active family companionship? I’m so lonely right now I could go on. The need for family is great, Anyone interested in starting a network or group in NC?
Sydney, my heart aches as I read your comment. You and your family have had way too much to endure over the past few months. I am in awe of your strength and resilience considering what you’ve been through. It must be so hard to see your 2 little ones not getting the attention of a loving grandparent.
Christene G. has been working on getting her “Surrogate Grandparenting” website ready to launch this month and when she does, that will definitely be a resource to explore. I will forward your comment to her.
In the mean time, I remember reading about a website: http://mamabread.com/ where users at different life stages give and gain timely support, intergenerational mentoring, and peer-to-peer encouragement. I haven’t had any personal experience with the website but maybe it will offer you some comfort.
I pray that things ease up a bit for your family. Tell your 11-year old to keep singing and give your 5-year old a hug from me for being such a brave little girl. And I’m sending you a cyber-hug, too.
Thanks for writing.
I’ve started an online community at http://www.surrogategrandparenting.com. Post your announcement of where you are and what you’re looking for (specifically if you’re looking to be a surrogate grandparent or you’re a family with children looking for a surrogate grandparent), and a little about yourself. Members only, membership free. I’m looking for my surrogate grandparents too, for my daughter, my husband and I. We’re in MA.
I’m hopeful this online community will create extended families so let everyone you know, know. Someone who knows someone who saw a flyer or a post on a blog, will know someone who knows someone who is looking for us (the collective us). Let’s not lose hope!
http://www.surrogategrandparenting.com
We are a family of 4, myself, James and our two kids. We recently moved to Perth, Australia from the UK and are missing our families. We are also keen to meet up with surrogate grandparents as we both feel it’s important for our kids to have some seniors in their lives. I also miss by Mum and would love someone older than me to talk to. We want surrogate grandparents to fully participate in our family. I registered on grandparentswanted. com which is a site that connects families to surrogate grandparents. Seems quite new. The website has some nice ways of contacting people including email, chat, video chat and games! I’m looking forward to meeting some surrogate grandparents.
I would be interested in being a surrogate grandmother to a child between the age of 2 yrs to 12 yrs old in the Memphis, Tn Area.
Thank you for your interest in becoming a surrogate grandma. I hope you’ll check out this new website: http://surrogategrandparenting.com/
More and more people are discovering this wonderful resource for connecting families who would like a surrogate grandparent. You can be the first to represent Tennessee!
Good luck and keep me posted.