Do Good Grandaughters Finish Last?

by Donne Davis on August 16, 2010

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When I heard the title of Joanne Stern’s book, Parenting Is A Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids For Life, I wanted to learn more. Dr. Stern has been a psychotherapist in private practice for more than 20 years. She is dedicated to helping families learn, heal, grow, and change. She has always believed that parenting is the most important job she’s ever had because “the way we deal with our kids affects their lives so dramatically.” I invited Dr. Stern to write this guest post.

Is it your goal to have a granddaughter who is good and obedient, always behaving without argument? Is this your idea of a “model” child? I hope not, because having a granddaughter who is too obedient is not always a good idea.

Let me tell you why. As grandparents, you want to help your granddaughter grow an internal structure that will allow her to discern right from wrong and to be able to say both yes and no. As she develops this inner “wisdom box,” she will be testing out her thoughts and her beliefs and they may not always agree with yours. When arguments erupt and your granddaughter talks back at times, it may not be an act of rebellion but rather an expression of a young girl who is increasing her logic, her thinking skills and her ability to take care of herself.

Why a “model” child isn’t the healthiest child

A “model” girl is usually one who is covered over—wearing a mask to hide her inner feelings and thoughts. If she always agrees, politely obeys, never argues for what she wants and never complains or misbehaves, then you’re not dealing with a unique and fully engaged girl with real-life needs and desires. You’re dealing with only the shell of a girl. Being too good shows that she’s either been intimidated into conformity or reprimanded into believing she’s not worthy of having her own ideas. 

At some point she’s likely to rebel against the feeling of being trapped and restricted. She might rebel openly and loudly or subtly and quietly.

Like a twelve-year-old therapy client I once had, she might begin to lie, sneak out of the house, scream at you and display out of control behaviors. Or like a sixteen-year-old client she might rebel silently, developing an eating disorder that you have no power or control over at all. In either case, she’s not a happy girl. She’s not someone who is learning to self-regulate by thinking for herself, making her own decisions and determining her own fate. She’s merely reacting to other people in her life.

Why arguing can be of value

Teaching your granddaughter to think for herself and to state her case should be a goal for parents. You should teach her how to argue—with respect and with logic—so that one day, when you’re not around, you’ll know that she can see issues from both sides, weigh the pros and cons and make decisions that are best for her. Just being obedient doesn’t teach these lessons.

When my daughter Andrea was young, she kept me on my toes because she was often ready for a debate. She could have been a lawyer! Whenever she asked my permission to do something, she considered every detail in advance and prepared a rebuttal for my anticipated responses. She would plunge forward with her arguments, solidifying and justifying her request with great vitality and animation. She knew what she wanted, and she also knew that the buck stopped with me. I tried to listen with an open mind, and if her request was reasonable and appropriate, I conceded. She appreciated knowing that I would be fair and flexible. I appreciated knowing that she was honing her thinking and decision making skills so that she would soon become a responsible adult.

When girls should defy authority

Unfortunately, not all adults-in-charge are upright and honest. They don’t always have integrity and the highest ethical principles. I’m thinking of the parents of “Balloon Boy,” teachers who ridicule their students and camp counselors who molest young campers. There will be times in your daughter’s life when you will be glad that she’s learned to trust herself and has developed the courage to defy authority.

As a parent, you can teach your daughter to respect authority but not to blindly submit without thinking about what’s right and wrong. When it doesn’t feel right, you will hope that your girl can stand up for herself and her moral values against an authority leading her in the wrong direction.

When my younger daughter was in middle school, she had a teacher who made fun of students when they got something wrong, often making them cry. She and her friend knew this was wrong. It just didn’t feel right to either of them. They could have said, “It isn’t my battle. He’s not making fun of me.” Instead they decided to do something about it. They went to the headmaster and reported the inappropriate and mean behavior of the teacher. I was proud of both of them for questioning what they knew to be wrong and for standing up against a teacher, who was in charge of them, and acting cruel.

{ 2 comments }

Susan Adcox August 18, 2010 at 6:46 pm

Lots of wisdom in this post! My first granddaughter was definitely a challenge. The phrase “a strong-willed child” could have been coined for her. Now that she is about to start college, I am thankful for her will. She won’t let herself be taken advantage of, and she won’t give up easily. That makes a grandmother rest easier!

Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs August 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm

I love this post. My daughters were definitely not sweet do-gooders as teens … and I’m so thankful for that. Now they’re strong, independent women who tell it like it is and don’t fall into the traps many young women find themselves in. I plan to look for the book! Thanks for sharing!

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