Competition between grandmothers is human nature. One grandmother wrote:

I don’t know if I have the courage or not to bring it up, but one thing that daunts me sometimes is that, as hard as I try, the OTHER Grandma does 1000% more wonderful things for my two grandchildren than I can. And it has dampened my spirit.  For example, I was mailing a package to my granddaughter every 2 weeks that included fun surprises and art I’d drawn for her.  But she let me know that “Grammy” (the other) sends her packages every other day.  And Grammy sews her a spectacular Halloween costume every year, has made a million quilts for her, and her dollies, sends homemade cupcakes, lots of candy and toys, and on and on.  I know it’s not a competition, and I’m so glad that my grandchildren have so much love in their life, but I feel like a slouch sometimes by comparison to “Grammy.” I just wish I could turn Grammy down a notch, so our contributions wouldn’t be so unbalanced. But that would be selfish.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I had just finished a wonderful three-day visit with my granddaughter. As I was getting ready to leave, the “other” grandmother arrived with presents in arms. Instead of my usual sendoff, where Juliet stands in the driveway waving goodbye until I turn the corner, she gave me a quick hug and ran to see what her “other” grandma had brought her. It was a bit of a shock. I had to remind myself that my son-in-law’s parents hold just as important a place in my grandchild’s life as I do—even though I have more “face” time with her.

That experience happened several years ago and I am totally cool with the “other” grandmother now. Being the maternal grandma and living closer to my two granddaughters, I see them more often and have a close bond that I’ve nurtured with twice-monthly overnights and lots of phone calls in between.

But I also realize that the more people who love my grandchildren, the better off they will be. And children are very much in the moment—so whoever they are with is who they love most. Our grandchildren need the love of all their grandparents, but it’s not a competition. Overindulgence isn’t healthy for a child and creates an expectation that feeds the need to continue it. Ideally, the responsibility falls on the parents to set some limits and ask grandparents to hold back on the gift giving. But if that doesn’t happen, we have to be objective about our relationship with our grandchildren. As long as we are secure in our relationship with them, they will sense that and feel comfortable and loved.

And in the long run, isn’t that what really matters?

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Rituals provide children with comfort and security. They help children deal with change. They give them a sense of identity and an understanding of what is valued in their family. I know the importance of rituals because I grew up in a family that valued rituals and traditions. I passed them on to my children and now my daughter and son-in-law are creating new ones for their two daughters.

Rituals are different from routines. The goal of routines is continuity. The goal of rituals is connection. Rituals are the glue that bonds families together. When we do a ritual, we send a message that what we’re doing matters and is meaningful to us, no matter how simple. Repeating the ritual reinforces the bond that is created.

I am always looking for opportunities to create rituals with my two granddaughters. Twice a month for the past six years I’ve been driving 130 miles to visit them for a two-night stay. When Juliet was little, and I would get ready to leave, she would always feel sad. On one visit she came out to my car and looked in the glove compartment. She found a package of oyster crackers and asked if she could have them. And thus our “goodbye ritual” was born. Now, whenever I leave, Juliet runs out to my car and searches the glove compartment for her goodbye treat. Another part of the goodbye ritual is giving my signature honk (Shave and a haircut-two bits) as I head down the driveway—unless, of course, Amelia is napping!

Last weekend I took my daughter and two granddaughters on our Third Annual Girls Getaway to Guerneville. We had a wonderful three days together. When it was over, we were all feeling a little sad as we hugged goodbye. Juliet remembered our goodbye ritual and reached in my glove compartment for her crackers. But when my daughter saw the selection of the little packets of processed crackers, she did not want Amelia to have any. So she told Juliet she could not have any this time. Being the mature big sister that she is, Juliet took it in stride. But I could tell she was disappointed. We gave our final hugs and my daughter and the girls walked down the street to their car. But it felt like something was missing without our goodbye ritual.

As I drove past them, I gave my signature honk and waved. Surprised, the three of them looked over at me. The big smiles on their faces said it all. The other part of our goodbye ritual gave us the closure we were all needing.

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David and Cheri Goldberg have immortalized President Barack Obama in a sculpture made of chopped liver!

Yes, you read that correctly. The Goldbergs started their Thanksgiving tradition of creating chopped liver sculptures over three decades ago when their son, Jason, was just 18 months old. Now he’s the father of two little boys and the Goldbergs haven’t missed a year.

This creative couple collaborates to create these works of art. Cheri, a member of the GaGa Sisterhood, makes the chopped liver from an old family recipe. David, who’s a doctor by day and cartoonist by night, conceptualizes and then sculpts them.

In years past he’s crafted 3-dimensional, Thanksgiving-themed images of the Mayflower ship, Plymouth Rock, a pilgrim, a cornucopia, corn with husks, a turkey leg, and a Thanksgiving plate, complete with slices of turkey and all the trimmings. A year ago, after their second grandson was born, David created two toy blocks with their grandson’s names on them. Unfortunately, none of these works of art was ever captured with photos.

But this year, inspired by the election of our new president, they took pictures and proudly shared them with friends. The rule for their sculptures is that everything must be edible. First, David created a stencil of Obama and then, using poppy seeds, paprika, and colored sugar, crafted a likeness of our Prez.

So in the event that President Obama ever asks the classic Jewish question, What am I … chopped liver?, the Goldbergs can point to their work of art and say with certainty, Yes!

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So we’re twelve days into the New Year! How are your resolutions going? We all make them—it’s part of the New Year’s tradition. We’re determined that this fresh New Year is the perfect time to resolve to do something that will leave us “better” or “different” than last year. The problem with resolutions is that they’re usually vague and end up abandoned by February or sooner.

So this year, instead of making New Year’s resolutions, set some goals—goals that will strengthen the bonds with your grandchildren. The secret of success in fulfilling goals is more about setting them up and writing them down than willpower and determination.  Sharing your goal with others, means you’re much more likely to accomplish it.

As a grandparent, you may set some goals for your relationship with your grandchild, but remember you need buy-in from the parents. Remember they are indispensable when it comes to having access to your grandchild. You may even want to sit down with your family and come up with some shared goals, for example, a three-generation family vacation or a family reunion.

When you write your goals, there’s a popular acronym for remembering the five essential qualities of a goal: SMART, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time Framed.

Specific

Nebulous wording makes goals confusing and overwhelming. Defeat sets in before you even start. Imagine that you say: “I will be a more involved grandmother.” There is no way to know if you reached this goal. But if you write, “I will send a letter to my granddaughter once a month,” or “Once a month I will learn one new song, story or game to teach my grandson,” then you will have a specific action that you must take each month and hold yourself accountable.

Measurable

There’s an old saying: “What gets measured gets done.” When you make your goal measurable, you’re able to see your progress. So instead of saying: “I’m going to spend more quality time with my grandson,” you could say: “I will take my grandson fishing six times this year” or “I will take my granddaughter to three new museums this year.” Goals also need to be meaningful to you. That just insures that the goal you’re setting is something you want to do and not something imposed by someone else. Ask your grandchildren if they’d like to set a goal that both of you could work on together like starting a collection.

Achievable

This doesn’t mean your goal is easy, but that you can have a good chance of accomplishing it, which again may mean getting buy-in from your grandchild’s parents. If your goal is to have your grandchild come for a sleepover, you’re obviously going to have to get permission from her parents. And that means establishing a trusting relationship with the parents from the very beginning. Sitting down with your adult children even before your grandchild is born and discussing your commitment as a grandparent creates a sense of trust and value in open communication that will be last a lifetime.

Realistic

Realistic also means that the actions associated with your goal are things that you can actually do. If your goal is to get together with your grandchildren every weekend and they’re involved in too many activities of their own, then you’ll either have to set your goal lower or find a way to observe or participate in their activities. If that’s not realistic, then think about another avenue for staying connected with your grandchildren. You could take a computer class to learn how to stay in touch through email. Focus on your strengths and interests and how you might be able to share those with your grandchildren.

Time Framed

Having a time limit will give your goals structure. If your goal is to establish an education fund for your grandchild, you need to figure out how much money you want to contribute and by when.

Setting goals is more than deciding what you want to do. It involves figuring out what you need to do to get where you want to go and how long it will take you to get there. Here are some general suggestions when setting goals:

• Get working on your goals right now while you’re motivated.
• Take small steps when making changes.
• Develop a ritual for reviewing and updating your goals.
• Look at them once a month to check your progress.
• Be flexible — expect that your plan can and will change.
• Recognize partial successes at every step along the way.
• Be a good listener and open to feedback about your goal.

As grandparents, we can expect to be around for more than three decades, according to U.S. life expectancy. Our relationships will evolve as we all grow older. By setting some goals to strengthen your relationships now, you will build the foundation for future bonds. So get SMART! Take out some paper and pencil and write down your goals for 2009.

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